Hard Choices by laceym
by laceym
Summary: This is a short story written about John Winchester and his experiences with love after Mary's death.


_Hard Choices_ by laceym

John stared blindly at the nubile young woman asleep in the bed. He had needs but he still felt that he was betraying the memory of his wife. There was a voice that reasoned that Mary had been dead for 10 years now. It wouldn't be such a terrible thing for the boys to have a steadying female influence. Well, maybe not this particular one who was barely 25 if that. But there were lots of women who wanted to be mothers. The trouble that he had was that he couldn't picture himself with one of those women.

This was easier. This was safer. There was no need to get hurt. His boys wouldn't lose another mother. He sighed. Losing Mary nearly destroyed him. He stood and threw some bills on the table. She would pitch a fit if she ever saw him again. But his plan was to never see her again. She made him feel things that he had no real business feeling. He had a job to do and precious little time to do it.

John sighed as he walked out of the door and pulled it shut behind him. He stared at the steps in front of him. John turned and stared at the door. What was he doing? He continued to stare at the door. He closed his eyes and headed for the rental car. He made certain that he didn't rent one from this town but two towns over that way it would be harder to keep track of him.

John saw the pay phone on the corner. He headed for it. Dean would be worried that he hadn't checked in yet. He chuckled for his older son was very good at taking care of all of them. He felt a pang of guilt at that thought. The phone loomed ahead. John picked up the receiver and dialled the number for the motel where the boys were staying. It rang three times then he hung up. He redialled the number instantly.

"Yes?" Dean's voice came over the instrument.

"Good job son," John smiled as he spoke.

"Is everything all right Dad?" Dean's voice was laced with concern.

"Yeah, can't track this thing, though," John admitted.

"The lunar cycle's right," Dean reasoned. "Maybe you need some help."

"You are helping," John insisted. "Speaking of which. How's Sammy?"

"He's better," Dean told him.

"Is the medicine working?" John pressed.

"Yeah," Dean chuckled. "He's taking advantage of being so sick."

John laughed. "Well, it's expected. He did give us quite a scare."

"Yeah," Dean agreed. "So you're coming now?"

"I'll be there in about a day," John said. "Remember the plan."  
"Yeah," Dean replied.

"And son," John sighed.

"Yes sir?" Dean's voice was alert.

"I'd like it if you would try to pass more subjects in school," John said.

"I pass subjects," Dean refuted.  
"I don't mean metal shop and mechanics," John insisted.  
"All right," Dean conceded. "I'll make more of an effort."  
"That's all I ask," John said. "A good hunter needs to be able to pull on knowledge and your Latin needs work."

"Yes sir," Dean answered.

"I'll see you then," John said. He disconnected the call.

There was a sharp pain in his chest. He closed his eyes for a second. Dean despite his emerging bravado was very much Mary's son. He was already butting heads with Sam but it was to be expected. It was only two years before the he had seriously disappointed Sam for Christmas. It had been a hard hunt and he had needed some time unwind. He shouldn't have left his boys alone on Christmas. Bobby had chewed him out about that one.

He left the phone booth and came face to face with Naomi. She was seriously pissed. John smiled at her and was rewarded with a sound slap across his face.

"What the hell do you think I am!" she snarled at him as she threw the money in his face.  
"I was simply," John shrugged.   
"You are seriously f…" she stopped as she saw that people were gathered around.

"I agree," John admitted. "It's just easier this way."

"You've never left money before," she lowered her voice.

John refused to meet her stare. Naomi's eyebrows shot up as she realized what the money was for. She spun on her heel and stormed back to the apartment. John stared at his feet for a second and then made the decision.

He ran after her and grabbed her from behind. Naomi spun and raised her hand to hit him. John slammed her against the wall and crushed her lips under his. She wound her arms and legs around his body. John blindly reached for the railing and carried them up the stairs to the apartment. He got the door open and slammed it behind them. She clung to him as he laid her on the floor and pulled off their clothing. She gasped as he entered her and dug her nails into his back. John groaned as he did what he had just sworn to himself a few minutes before that he wouldn't. He collapsed on her and rolled them over so that he wouldn't crush her with his weight. Naomi snuggled into his neck.  
"I'm not that easy to get rid of am I?" she purred.  
John tightened his arms around her. "No, you're not," he agreed. He ran his fingers up and down her back and then he frowned as he felt a raise on her. Something he had missed in the time they had spent together earlier.

"What?" she asked.

"What's this?" He raised them up and stared at the healed scar.

"Oh?" Naomi shrugged. "I met up with some wild animal a couple of months ago. It got infected but it's cleared up."

John frowned at her. "Was it during a full moon?" he demanded.   
"Yes," Naomi smiled. "What's the matter? I doubt it's contagious."  
"Have you had any strange dreams?" John pressed.

"No," Naomi shrugged. "What's wrong?"

"We need to go," John said.  
"Where are we going?" Naomi asked.

"I think it's time you met my kids," John said.

She fingered the ring, "Your kids?"  
"I told you that I had been married but my wife died," John reminded her.

"So you want me to meet your kids?" Naomi sat up straighter.

"I think it's time," John said.

Naomi grinned. "Where are they?"

"They're about two towns over," John explained. "I'm going to meet up with them."

"Are you sure?" Naomi sighed excitedly.

He saw the flash in her eyes and he was uncertain if she was interested in meeting his children or killing them. He stood and pulled on his clothes making certain to dispose of the condom first.

Naomi hurriedly dressed and followed him out the apartment to his car. John drove in silence out of the town and followed the back roads that led to the large wooded area. This would be a good spot to do this. He sighed.

"What's wrong?" Naomi rested her head on his shoulder.

"I was just thinking," John kissed the top of her head.

"It's a huge step," Naomi nodded. "I suppose that we'll have more children."

He blinked several times. "Not without an operation first," he murmured.

"Operation?" Naomi sat up in the seat.

"I had a vasectomy done several years ago," John confessed. "I realized that I couldn't not have female company from time to time, and I wanted to be absolutely certain that I wouldn't leave any children behind."

"That's a bit selfish," Naomi frowned.

"Please understand," John tightened his grip on the steering wheel. "I never expected that I would meet anyone that would make me feel…"

"I see," Naomi murmured. "And I do."  
"Yeah," John said.

He spotted a clearing ahead and pulled off the road.

"John?" Naomi frowned.

"Come on," he pulled her from the car.

They walked down the path and he found a tree. He had taken a blanket with him from the car that he laid on the ground.  
"Wow," she murmured.

He pressed his lips against hers, feathering kisses softly along her mouth, cheek, chin and then down her neck. She arched her back as she surrendered to his embrace. When they were spent, Naomi fell asleep against his chest. John tightened his grip and sighed heavily. He rose carefully so as not to wake her. He returned to the car and brought out the ropes to secure her to the tree while he holstered the gun with silver bullets. He blinked back the tears that were obscuring his vision.

"John?" Naomi called as she woke and found herself tied to the tree.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

"What's the matter with you?" she cried.

"Moonrise is in a few minutes," John stared up at the sky.

"So?" Naomi frowned.

"So," John lowered his head. "I have to see if you're going to turn."  
Naomi frowned as she stared in terror at John. "You can't be serious," she breathed. "You love me!"  
The tears coursed down his cheek. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

Naomi leaned her head against the tree. "Once this thing that you're expecting to happen doesn't happen, we are so over."

"I understand," John said.

Naomi sighed as her eyes fluttered shut. John stood and listened to her breathing in sleep. He took the gun out of his waist and pressed the barrel against the bridge of his nose. He hoped that he was wrong. He prayed for the first time in a long time that he was wrong. He vowed to never see the same woman more than once.

There was a sound behind him. He turned and saw Naomi transforming before his eyes. Her eyes changed shape and her nails became claws. Her teeth lengthened and when her eyes opened she wasn't human any more. His breath caught in his throat.

"I'm sorry, darling," he said softly.

Her head snapped up and she tore through the ropes restraining her and lunged at him. The gun barked twice and she was dead at his feet. John knelt beside the corpse that had reverted to her human form and wracking sobs tore from his throat. He pulled her body close to his and sobbed at what he had been forced to do. He kissed her hair.

"I'm so sorry," he repeated.

John carried her back to the blanket and placed her on it. He used the torn ropes to bundle her body and created a funeral pyre. He placed her body on it and doused it in gasoline and salt then he struck a match and the set the body ablaze. He watched as the fire consumed her body and waited for it to burn out on its own. He cleared up the remains and buried the ashes at the base of the tree. He returned to the car.

John continued down the road until he reached the town where he had rented the car. He parked the car and placed the keys in the mail slot. All of his prints had been removed from the car and he shredded all identification cards and credit cards he had used. Naomi had not known his real last name, nor had she known that he had children until that very day. He sighed and shouldered his bag.

John walked down the road for about a half a mile. He saw the Impala parked by the side of the road with a young man leaning against the driver's door. He appeared to be unaware of what was going on around him, but John knew that his son was completely alert and more than likely had the safety off of his gun.

"Dean?" John called.

The fair head looked up and smiled. "Dad," he smiled and stopped. "What happened?"

"Nothing," John shook his head. "Where's Sammy?"

"He's asleep in the back," Dean told him.

"Am not!" Sam's voice cut in.

John gathered both his children in his arms and held them tightly.

"Dad?" Sam sounded concerned.

"It's okay," John said. "I'm here and that's all that matters. We promised Pastor Jim that we'd see him. So let's head out there."  
Dean offered his father the keys. John stared at the keys for a moment and then he looked at his son.

"You don't want to drive Dad?" Dean frowned.  
"Why don't you," John said. "I could use some shut eye."

Sam stared at his brother and Dean waved him to be quiet. John got into the car at the same time as his sons. Dean started the engine.

"You'll get the werewolf next time Dad," Dean said.

"Yeah," John agreed.

He settled into the seat and closed his eyes.

"Dean?" Sam hissed.

"Leave it be Sammy," Dean ordered. "This is where we're quiet."

"Okay," Sam sat back in the seat.

Dean put the car in gear and drove off down the highway. John had heard the exchange between his sons but he couldn't speak to them. He couldn't explain what was in his heart. So he did the only thing he could do. He buried it deep within his soul and tried not to remember how good Naomi felt. He repeated his vow not to get attached to any more women. It was too dangerous and the choices were simply too hard. The tires of the car continued to pound the highway and Dean's music played over the radio as they continued on their journey.

The End.


End file.
